Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
