i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
