I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
