The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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