Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
