oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
