D3 body, D1 cock
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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