Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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