You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
