he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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