I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
