To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
