Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
