a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
