The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
