The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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