i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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