it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
