sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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