What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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