I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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