Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.