Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
