He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
