Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
