I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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