Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
