I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
