when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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