i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
