Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
