I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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