I could make wine with my vomit
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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