First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
