i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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