Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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