It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I touched a dick in church today
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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