This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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