Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
