please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
