so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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