We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
