I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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