My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
