also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
