dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
