Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
