giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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