So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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