We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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