sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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