i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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