hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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