another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
