I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
