Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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