Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
