Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
