You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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