Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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