I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
